Happy original now-delayed release date for FCA!
So, my thoughts on Summerslam
Pre-show: RVD vs Cesaro. This Rob Van Dam kid is going place. Good of Cesaro to job to him and help make him look good. 1/5
Opening Segment: Hulk Hogan, Brother Jack Dude! Buy my product! This was awful. The whole thing reeked of desperation, and only served to make the crowd boo Hulk Hogan. All these ads for the WWE Network make me want to unsubscribe. 0/5
Match 1: Dolph Ziggler defeats the Miz to win the IC Title. I actually like Heel Miz, so Zigglypuff winning isn’t as big as deal for me as it is for most people. Match was okay. 3/5
Match 2: Paige defeated CM Punk to win the Diva’s Title. I wish Paige’s character was coherent so that I could be invested in the storyline. Match was okay. Rampaige is a much better finisher than the Paige Turner, though I could do without the punny names. 3/5. i’m giving it a point just because the commentators actually took a woman’s match seriously.
Match 3: Putin vs Freedom. Missed this as I was traveling to a Summerslam party. ???/5
Match 4: Seth Rollins defeated Dean Ambrose in a Lumberjack match. I thought this was going to suck (A lumberjack match?), but it was actually awesome, if too short. Bonus points for Damien Sandow being dressed as a literal lumberjack. Match of the night. 4/5. Loses a point for inconclusive ending, but still really fun.
Match 5: Bray Wyatt defeated Chris Jericho. I marked out for the classic Countdown opening, but I didn’t care much about this match. It was okay. 3/5
Match 6: Stephanie McMahon defeats Brie Bella when Nikki Bella turns heel. This was way better than it had any right to be. How did a middle-aged woman who hadn’t wrestled in 10 years look so much better than Brie? I dunno, but she did. Brie taking down Triple H was pretty neat of a moment, and I liked the buildup to the Nikki turn. It helps that this match wasn’t very long. 3.5/5
Match 7: Roman Reigns defeats Randy Orton. Roman Reigns in the future of the WWE, yet they’re putting him in the traditional timeslot of death normally given to unpromoted Adam Rose/Fandango matches to let people pee before the main event. That’s….discouraging. Or they’re getting rid of the idea that they need to cool the crowd down at all. I hope the latter, but Orton carried this match to mediocre. 2/5
Main Event: Bork Lazer German Suplexes John Cena an absurd amount of times to win the WWE Title. As a match, not actually good. As a setup for a storyline, great. John “Greatest WWE Champion EVAR” Cena got utterly squashed and made to look like a bitch. Wow. I’m pretty sure John Cena also drowned under all that sweat, which was outright comical by the end of it. Bork is basically Equius from Homestuck. Supposedly, the plan is to have Bork the oufscreen Thanos on his throne champion until Wrestlemania next year, but I don’t think Vince has the balls. They’ll cash in on Lesner the second the next set off WWE Network numbers comes due. 3/5
Overall, I thought it was pretty good. Hell of a lot better than Battleground (fuck Battleground). 4/5 show? Sign of the night: “Blood, Urine, Vomit, Repeat”. I also liked “Y2J go back to Toronto” and “Try a Superman Punch” during Reigns/Orton